Ultimate Accident
by BozarBoy
Summary: What happens when a high school slacker finds himself bamfing through the multiverse with an Ultimatrix on his wrist? What happens when said slacker realizes he's derailing some of his favorite shows, books, and movies? Shenanigans, that's what.
1. Extremely Lucid

**Ultimate Accident**

**A/N: Howdy peoples! This is a story that came to me when I read another fanfiction with a similar premise but ultimately, a very different execution. Also, I own nothing! All the properties were thought up by better authors than I, and belong to them!  
**

Chapter 1: Extremely Lucid

Like all stories, my tale has a beginning, middle, and end. Unfortunately, the beginning bits of my life were really boring, so I'll just summarize them. One of my older brothers disappeared, my parents got divorced, and a few years of general nerdiness were followed by high school slackerness. That's all you need to know about me before we get into this. Oh, my name would probably help too, right? They call me Jack.

-0-0-0-

I knew two things when I woke up, that my head hurt and for Primus knows what reason, one or both of my idiot brothers were watching Kim Possible. Loud as hell too. Guess I fell asleep in the living room again.

"So, what do we do with him?" one of the twins asked.

"I don't know. He's just laying there." The other twin responded.

That was weird. I mean, I didn't remember any episode that started like that.

"We could turn the couch into a trebuchet and launch him out." The first twin, Jim (?) offered.

"As cool as that would be, we got grounded for a month the last time we did that. I doubt it would go over well this time." Tim (?) pointed out.

"Hey! I get that it must've been a bastard to find a Kim Possible rerun, but can you please shut it the hell off?" I yelled. "I'm trying to sleep here!"

"Oops. Guess he's awake now." Tim said in that annoying half-whisper that isn't quiet at all.

"I guess so. Too late for the couch-apult?" Jim asked, also slightly hushed.

_Wait a minute_, I realized. _That came from behind the couch. The TV's in front…_ My eyes snapped open and I realized three things: one, this was not my couch (way too clean and comfortable); two, this was not my house; and three, where the fuck am I!?

I quickly rolled off the couch and glanced over in the direction of their voices. They hadn't come from a TV or tablet, they came from those twins, those flesh-and-blood twins standing over there!

Ducking back behind the foreign couch, I assumed a cross-legged position on the floor, to attempt to get a grip on my situation. Then a new voice joined the fray.

"Hey! You tweebs know what time it is? Why is one of your stupid friends over so early?" she yelled.

I took another quick peek over the foreign couch, and saw that a _redhead_ who sounded like…Christy Carlson Romano was chewing the twins out. If I wasn't in the midst of a spectacular mental breakdown, I would swear that I witnessed Kim Possible bitching to her brothers.

I resumed my earlier pose, and came to a conclusion. This right here, whatever this is, is one of two things: Either I've finally lost it and this is an extremely vivid hallucination, or…I'm actually sitting here in Kim Possible's living room. Well, unless I feel like trying the 'suicide to (hopefully) wake up' method, which I don't, I should just try to roll with it. But if someone pulls out a top or tells me to get my ass to Mars…let's hope it doesn't come to that.

-0-0-0-

When I came to, I was no longer hidi…I mean, meditating behind the couch. I was seated at the kitchen table; with a half empty glass of water in my hand. Guess it took me a bit longer to process than I imagined.

"So, I suppose I'll ask the question on everyone's mind. Who are you and what were you doing on our couch?" Mr. Dr. Possible asked.

"Well, I was thinking of a few different questions…" I started. _Like asking for your daughter's number_. "…but I suppose it's only fair I answer you first. The name's Osbourne, Jack Osbourne, and I have no idea why I was laying on your couch."

This time, Mrs. Dr. Possible asked me a question, "Well then Mr. Osbourne, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Um…" I stammered, grasping at straws. "I'm a…time traveler?"

"A _time traveler_? Really? Honey, would you mind calling the police?"

"No, wait! I can prove it!" I shouted. _What do I know about Kim Possible ?_ Um…"Kim got her start by accident! She saved a dude from a laser grid after he typed in her website by mistake, he was trying to reach Team Possible!" What else… "Uh, your cousin Larry's a big nerd! Your nana's an ex-Marine kung-fu grandma and her lemon squares are awesome! Your uncle…something-or-other's a cowboy!"

"How did you…?" Mr. and Mrs. Dr. P stammered.

Kim's eyes narrowed dangerously and she asked, "Yes, how do _you_ know so much about me and my family?"

"They told me that I was being given a chance to go back and put things right that once went wrong. I guess that means I'm here to safeguard your future." I told her. I hope they don't have 'Quantum Leap' here or I'm fucked.

"Hm…" Mr. Dr. P stated thoughtfully. "Good enough for me! Besides, my Kimmie can take care of herself. Right dear?"

"Fine. Now if you'll excuse us Mr. Osbourne, Kimberly; my husband and I are going back to sleep." Mrs. Dr. P said as she grabbed Mr. Dr. P's arm and dragged him out of the room.

I was now alone in a kitchen with one of fiction's most dangerous cheerleaders. Great.

-0-0-0-

After approximately thirty seconds of Kim staring at me silently while I sipped my water, I became unnerved enough to ask a stupid question, "What's up?"

"Oh nothing. Just wondering if I can take a shower in peace this time." she almost snarled back.

"Oh…well…I guess you can?"

"Thank you. So grateful for your permission." she said before heading back upstairs, just the faintest hint of a smile playing at her lips.

"Damn girl." I muttered when I was sure she couldn't hear me. She was never this bitchy on the show. At that point, Jim and Tim wandered back into the kitchen.

"Yeah, she's not really a morning person." Tim stated as he sat to my left.

"Or an afternoon person. Or an evening person either really." Jim snickered as he took the seat to my right.

"So I've noticed." I laughed. "So, what's up guys?"

"Not much. Just my brother Tim here wanted to ask you about your watch." The twin on my left stated.

"And my brother Jim was wondering about your outfit. " Tim said.

My wha…oh! Oh…I never took off my costume? "Well you see, this is my uniform! The J over my heart? That represents the project I'm assigned to. The gray jumpsuit? That represents my rank. And the watch? That my friends, is the Ultimatrix."

"Ok, cool. But why is the hourglass on the Ultimate-matrix blue?" Jim asked.

"That's Ultimatrix dude, one word, no hyphen. And did you say blue?"

"Yeah, blue. Take a look if you don't believe me."

Since I didn't believe him, I looked at the watch on my wrist, and he was right! And that wasn't all. The Ultimatrix I had worn last night was a toy, a plastic piece of shit with L.E.D.'s and Velcro straps. The watch I was wearing now? Metal through and through. As I examined it, the face turned green with a familiar ping. Does that mean…

-0-0-0-

After fiddling with the buttons for a little while, and after I remembered Ben's advice to Vilgax, I managed to get the transformation dial to pop up. When I saw who the hologram was, I asked the twins to take me to the backyard. I told them to stand back and I slammed the dial down. As for what happened next, it's a little hard to explain.

Your entire body goes numb, and I swear you can hear all the squishing, squelching, and crunching as your body is transformed. Then, before you know it, the transformation's complete and you're somebody or something else. Like physically, not mentally. It certainly is a trip.

Before I got to ponder the philosophical implications of what just happened, I heard the twins.

"Dude!"

"Awesome!"

"You're on fire!"

"Yeah, and I'm just warming up too." I quipped, and the little twerps actually chuckled. "Jim, Tim, say hello to Heatblast."

"Sweet. What can he do?" Tim asked excitedly.

"Psh, what can't he do? Fireballs, flight, general pyrokinesis. You know, nothing special." I stated nonchalantly.

"Ooh! Can we see a fireball!" Jim and Tim asked simultaneously.

"Sure thing. Or as your sister would put it, no big."

-0-0-0-

A few hours later, after the last of the firefighters left, Kim walked straight up to and said that "in a polite society, we try not to roast our neighbor's azaleas." Guess it would be a bad time to bring up my headache. We walked inside, and to my surprise, Mr. and Mrs. Dr. P were waiting for us.

"I am so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Dr. Possible; I didn't think the bushes would catch so easily." I apologized.

"That's nice, but we're not the ones you need to apologize to." Mr. Dr. P assured me. "That's also not the reason we're here. We have something for you."

With that, Mrs. Dr. P pulled a notebook from behind her back and handed it to me. I opened it, and guess who it was from? Me. In a timey-wimey ball to do the Doctor proud, it turned out that the Possibles had met me before. So, while it seemed to be our first meeting, it was their second encounter.

Afraid that I was going into shock, Mrs. Dr. P led me back to the living room. She then told her family to give me some time and space to figure things out. And so I did, sort of. The notebook contained a message from Future Jack which basically laid down some ground rules: 1) Don't panic; 2) The Ultimatrix has a twenty-minute time limit and a ten minute recharge period; 3) We are extremely resistant to magic, not proof; 4) We have no powers, your body still has the same basic needs and weaknesses; 5) You have twelve hours; and 6) Survive.

I quickly decided that Future Jack was a dick for not telling me what the fuff was going on. I was about to share my findings with the Possibles when my headache erupted into a full-fledged migraine.

I must have cried out or something, seeing as how I was soon being examined by Mrs. Dr. P. I couldn't really make out what she was saying since my head felt like an imploding grapefruit. I just remember wanting the pain to stop so badly.

After a few seconds that felt like centuries, I heard a strange whooshing noise and felt nothing. Literally nothing, as if I stopped existing for a few seconds. Oddly enough, the migraine quickly passed afterward.

I opened my eyes and was about to thank the doc for whatever it was that she did, when I noticed that I was no longer in the Possible living room. Oh, and a Grunt was pointing a gun at me. Hoo boy…

**A/N: And that's it for Chapter 1! Review please, otherwise I (your humble author) will be unable to improve his work.**


	2. Worst Contact Ever

**Ultimate Accident**

**A/N: Hi again! It is I, your humble author, with the next installment of Ultimate Accident. Once again, I own nothing! And yes, there are a _lot_ of references. All rights go to their respective owners.  
**

Chapter 2: Worst Contact…Ever.

When I woke up this morning (at least, I think it was morning), I found myself in Kim Possible's living room. I also discovered that I was wearing a fully functional Ultimatrix and may have (accidentally!) committed arson. But that was then. Now? I was standing face-to-face with an armed Grunt. I hate Thursdays.

-0-0-0-

We stood there for about 6 seconds, Human and Unggoy, neither of us saying nor doing anything. Dozens of one-liners jockeyed for position in my head as I prepared myself for a close encounter of the nth kind. "…Z-za?" I finally stuttered nervously before shutting my eyes and awaiting a plasma bolt that never came. A strange thud prompted me to take a peek at my adversary, and I saw that the Grunt had fainted! Managing to simultaneously laugh, sigh, and fall on my ass, I almost fain…_passed out_ myself.

FOREIGN DNA DETECTED. SCAN?

I looked around to see who had spoken because they sounded close. Like, kill you before you could blink close. The passage was empty though, aside from me and my fainted friend.

FOREIGN DNA DETECTED. SCAN?

There it was again…it sounded like it came from somewhere to my left. And it sounded like Yuri Lowenthal? Wait a second…I looked at the Ultimatrix to confirm suspicions, and the face was indeed yellow. It repeated its query.

FOREIGN DNA DETECTED. SCAN?

"Uhh" I said eloquently. "Abort scan?"

COMMAND CONFIRMED. SCAN ABORTED.

With that, the Watch face returned to its usual green hue. Seeing as my Unggoy buddy was still taking his nap, I figured I'd cycle through the active list and see what aliens I had.

-0-0-0-

After about a minute of looking, I concluded that I had the Ultimate Alien stable. Which makes sense….because I had the Ultimatrix. Facepalming , I didn't notice when the Grunt finally came to his senses. He began charging his Plasma Pistol and yelled something in Covenant (?). I don't speak Covenant, but I'm sure it was something along the lines of, "Resistance is useless!"

I took a step back and he repeated the command. I glanced at the Watch and saw the dial was still active; I just needed to press it. I lunged towards a wall and slammed my left wrist against it. As the emerald light engulfed me, the Grunt finally let go of the trigger. Thankfully, I went intangible reflexi…I mean, I went intangible _on purpose_. Yep, totally meant to do that. Thank Primus I got Big Chill and not Wildmutt or something.

I walked towards the now terrified Grunt, who kept firing at me until his pistol overheated. He then threw it at me. It (like all of his earlier shots) phased through my body harmlessly, but I couldn't help wincing as it did. It was like the breezes you feel when you're naked, but on your spleen. Remembering the advice my brother got when he had bronchitis, I inhaled and proceeded to freeze the Grunt solid.

-0-0-0-

Leaving the freshly minted Gruntsicle behind, I decided to explore the ship as Big Chill. I thought it was a little weird that ship seemed so empty, but it did give me time to work on my intangibility. The first time I tried, I leaped at a closed bulkhead, expecting to phase through automatically. I didn't.

Being the stubborn bastard that I was, I made a few more leaps of faith. Still didn't work. Cradling my bruised head/ego/brain, I tried to visualize my success. Remembering what it felt like earlier when I was intangible and what it looked like on the show, I concentrated.

And it worked! I opened my eyes and saw that I was all translucent. Curious, I placed my hands on the floor and after a bit of resistance, they sunk through. I pulled my hands back and relaxed, turning solid again. I spent the next few minutes honing my technique, flickering in and out of tangibility. Finally, feeling confident, I leaped at the bulkhead. I phased through without a hitch, turning solid before crashing into the floor on the other side. Whooping with satisfaction, I leaped through a 2nd bulkhead, then a 3rd, and even a 4th with no problems. When I tumbled through the 5th though…

To be honest, I don't know which side scared the other more. On the one hand, you had a trio of armed surprised Unggoy. On the other hand, you had a laughing Necrofriggian who was equally surprised.

Well, I can say this! They shot first.

I went intangible seconds before a fusillade of Needler spikes impaled themselves in the bulkhead behind me. The cluster of spikes detonated, sending me sailing towards the Grunts. I fell on (through?) one, freezing him solid. The other two were still disoriented, so I iced Needler boy. Unfortunately, his unfrozen bud managed to nail me with a few plasma bolts. _You go tangible for 3 seconds…_ I thought.

As I laid there bitching about plasma burns, the unfrozen bastard came up with a "brilliant" plan. He overcharged his pistol, intending to use it to thaw out Needler boy. It worked too, sort of. See, the supercooled spikes were immediately superheated by the plasma bolt and, well, exploded. _At least I remembered to go intangible this time_, I thought before passing out.

-0-0-0-

When I came to, I noticed two things: one, I was human again; two, the Ultimatrix kept beeping. I tried activating the transformation dial, but the Watch was timed out. I tried yelling at it: didn't work. I tried reasoning with it: didn't work. I tried ignoring it, but it didn't care. It just kept _deliberately_ and _maliciously_ beeping at me. Exasperated, I began poking the damn thing, thinking I could beat it at its own game*.

*Yes, I realize how stupid I was acting, but come on! I had a lot on my plate! And it was a Thursday!*

Eventually, I happened to poke the square bit on the wrist guard and the beeping stopped. It was replaced by a noise infinitely more infuriating, my brother Marco.

"…and that's why we can't tell anyone!" I heard Marco say to someone else.

"Hey dude!" I yelled into the Watch, not exactly relieved, but not entirely irritated. Mostly surprised.

"What? What do you want Jack? Wait…Jack? JACK!?" Marco yelled. "Where the hell are you? Where the hell have you been!?"

I thought for a moment before answering, "Middleton. Now I think I'm on a Covenant spaceship."

"What." he deadpanned.

"You heard me dude, Kim Possible's hometown and now space." I shrugged. Sure, it sounded insane, but! It was the truth.

"Well," he sighed. "I guess that explains the Bebes and the Warthog."

"What." I deadpanned, echoing his earlier disbelief.

Marco laughed, "You heard me dude."

"Ok." I ventured. "We need a recap."

"For real, save us some time, right?"

And so we recapped, and it was good.

-0-0-0-

"Hey Jack, where _did_ you go last night?" Marco asked after we finished recapping.

"Man, I told you where I was going last night!" I practically shouted. Calming down, I continued, "I went to the Halloween party at the Vega place."

"Oh yeah. So why didn't you come home?" he asked in a tone of faux parentalism.

"I did. Around…3 in the morning, I want to say."

"Ohh…"

You fell asleep, didn't you?" I asked smugly.

"Well, not right away! Just…eventually." he finished lamely.

Thankfully, our stupid conversation was ended when the ship suddenly pitched to the right. I finally noticed the carnage at that point, from the still defrosting Unggoy gibs everywhere to the rather large scorch marks surrounding the blast center.

Among the various chunks of Grunts splorching onto the floor, I noticed a weird tube thing. Picking it up, I almost cut my hand off when I accidentally activated the Energy Sword. Managing to retain both of my hands, I shut off the sword. I found that it would automatically stick to my belt too. With my new sword clipped to my left hip, I resumed my earlier exploring. The bulkheads (which had all been sealed earlier) were now open, and the Ultimatrix was green again.

-0-0-0-

As before, I found it odd that the ship was so empty. Unlike before, I wasn't a superpowered alien at the time the thought occurred to me. So I started to worry just a bit. When I saw plasma burns and blood stains covering the floor, ceiling, and walls, I knew some crazy shit was going down.

I activated the Ultimatrix and Big Chill popped up first. Cycling past him, Humungosaur, and Cannonbolt, I came across Diamondhead. _Hm, he could work,_ I thought. _His powers aren't too complicated, and the diamond skin could buy me time to learn…Diamondhead it is!_

I slammed the dial down and gained a few hundred (840?) pounds. In muscle! I mean, crystal. Shut up.

-0-0-0-

My heavy footfalls were the only sounds I heard for a while and the battle damage just kept getting worse. Finally, I detected a faint shuffling noise somewhere ahead of me, and I picked up the pace to catch up.

My thudding stomps drowned out the noise, but I was sure I was getting closer. The damage to the ship was getting fresher as well. I rounded the corner and that's when I saw it. Something wholly alien, and at the same time, horribly familiar. The Combat Form looked at me quizzically, probably trying to figure out if the rock monster in front of it was food or not. It charged. I punched it with everything Diamondhead had. I didn't kill it; I actually ended up punching _through_ its chest. It was stuck on my arm, so it lashed out with its tentacles. It didn't really do any damage, given that I was, you know, _made of diamond_, but you have to respect the effort.

I hurled it off my arm, and remembering my dearly departed Needler boy, I plugged the bastard full of enough shards to make the Crown Jewels look like a Ring Pop collection. For good measure (and because I attended the I. Clarke School of Zombie Awareness), I dismembered and pulverized the corpse until it was nothing but a series of puddles. I then vomited sand (it was my first kill and the adrenaline wore off, sue me).

As I recovered, I heard the puddle's friends coming. I was about to start psyching myself up for the inevitable slaughter when the Watch started timing out. And the Flood were still coming.

I panicked. I tried to find the nothingness again, hoping that since it brought me here, it could take me elsewhere, anywhere! Nothing happened, the Watch continued timing out, and the Flood were drawing closer and closer….

For how long I stood there concentrating, I don't know. What I do know, is that as the 1st batch of Combat Forms spotted me, and as I changed back in a red flash of light, I found it. I whooshed, I stopped existing, and I was somewhere else.

My elation at escaping assimilation melted away as a young woman yelled something in Japanese (?). I turned to face her and I saw 5 girls: 2 wearing blue bracelets, 2 wearing red bracelets, and 1 without. _Hey! I know where I am this time!_ I thought. _This is going to suck…_

**A/N: So, if you could review this, I could learn what works, what doesn't, and ultimately, improve going forward. Also, give yourself a point (or a cookie) if you figure out where the next chapter takes place. Until next time dear reader.  
**


	3. Grün

**Ultimate Accident**

**A/N: Hello dear reader! It is I, your humble author, here with the next installment of Ultimate Accident. As usual, I own nothing, as all rights belong to their respective owners.  
**

Chapter 3: Grün

George Jefferson once said, "When, in the course of human events, one finds oneself in a penthouse full of anime girls…" Ok, so Mr. Jefferson probably doesn't have an applicable quote for this particular situation; also, I'm pretty sure he was a sitcom character and not the first Secretary of State. Regardless, I doubt he'd be able to help me out here anyway…unless he brought his Zanpakuto or a Gundam. (That would be awesome)

-0-0-0-

It didn't take me long to figure out that, once again, I didn't speak the same language as the natives. The universe, in its infinite wisdom, plunked me into the middle of the original Kampfer anime. Even though I couldn't understand Shizuku (the girl who addressed me when I first popped in), I could tell by her tone of voice that she was less than enthused. That, coupled with the fact that her bracelet was glowing, meant my ass was grass in a few seconds unless I did something.

The plan I came up with, if you can call it a plan, essentially boiled down to taking a hostage to buy myself time to think of a better plan. While Shizuku prattled on in Japanese, I debated the various options I had. Shizuku would probably kill me, Akane would kill me, Mikoto would probably kill me, Kaede would turn me into a chick before killing me, and Natsuru would…probably just panic actually. If I grabbed her, I could keep her harem (i.e., everyone else in the room) in check. If I kept her harem in check, I would probably survive. Since I generally enjoy being alive, I decided to take Natsuru hostage.

I unclipped my e-sword, taking care to keep my fingers away from the trigger, and took a few deep breaths. When it seemed like Shizuku had finally moved into full "You're about to die horribly" mode, I initiated Operation: FUBAR II. Taking one last deep breath, I locked eyes on my target and thanked Primus that all the girls were standing. I sprinted across the room, kneed Natsuru in the gut, and then wrapped my left arm around her neck, pressing the inactive hilt to her temple with my right. "Sorry," I apologized in English. "But you're kind of the weakest link. No offense."

Akane and Mikoto's bracelets flared to life, glowing nearly as bright as Shizuku's. Thankfully, Kaede's presence kept them normal for the time being. _Thank Primus for masquerade tropes_, I thought to myself as I readjusted my grip on both Natsuru and the e-sword. Honestly, she should've been able to escape my hold quite easily, but for Primus knows what reason, she hadn't. We inched our way closer to the nearest window as all four girls babbled on in Japanese at us.

At the moment Natsuru and I reached the window, Kaede lost it. By it, I mean consciousness. She hadn't even hit the ground before Shizuku, Akane, and Mikoto transformed. Now they had motive _and_ means to kill me.

-0-0-0-

Faced with the prospect of being stabbed, shot, or stabbed, I carried out Phase III of FUBAR II. Quickly holstering my e-sword, I spun Natsuru around and stole a quick kiss before shoving her towards the other three girls. Unclipping and activating my e-sword, I slashed twice, carving a giant 'X' in the window (and bit of wall) behind me. Bidding my murderous biddies a fond farewell, I leaped through the window.

The thought that kept running through my head as I plummeted downwards was, _Well damn, I just went to first base with an anime schoolgirl_. After about two laps, it changed to, _Female body + Male mind = Gay (?)_. I was in the midst of redefining gender and sexuality when I finally collided with the pavement. I died instantaneously.

-0-0-0-

Ok, so that's not really what happened, but it could have!

In reality, the only thing I was thinking in the beginning was, _AH SHIII…etc etc ad infinitum_. After approximately 1.92 seconds of that, I remembered the Watch. I lost my grip on the e-sword as I reached for the Ultimatrix, but it drifted close enough to my right hip to clip automatically.

I fumbled with the transformation dial as the ground continued to grow worryingly closer, and I finally slammed it down in desperation, expecting Spidermonkey. As the green flash subsided, I learned I transformed into Wildvine instead. Wunderbar.

I quickly ran through a mental checklist of Wildvine's abilities and remembered that he could stretch like Eel O'Brian. Finding a nearby building of suitable height and distance, I reached out towards it. Instead of the usual tugging signaling the limit of reach, I experienced the (slightly) disturbing feeling of my arm _surging_ forward to make contact with my target. Embedding my fingers into the masonry, I reeled myself in. Thanks to the laws of physics, I soon found myself swinging in a way that would've made Peter Parker green with envy.

_Extend, embed, reel, swing, release, extend…_I thought as I settled into a rhythm of swinging across the city. I ground my legtacles off a few times by swinging too low, but I could regenerate, so, no harm, no foul. After a few minutes of swinging, I felt I had ru…_tactically retreated_ far enough to relax. I broke into a nearby decrepit building to hi…_gather my thoughts_.

-0-0-0-

Sitting (or squatting due to my aforementioned legtacles) in the middle of one of the more gently trashed offices, I decided I wanted to be human again. Scientifically applying various levels of pressure to the Watch face on my chest, I managed to undo my transformation. Dusting myself off, I got up and left the room.

I was so preoccupied with congratulating myself and wiping some crud off my jumpsuit that I nearly walked into Shizuku's blade throat-first. With the point digging into my Adam's apple, she (presumably) delivered an ultimatum and/or witty one-liner (in Japanese). Understanding her intention regardless, I fell back and scrambled to activate my e-sword. Unfortunately for me, Shizuku saw my plan immediately and foiled it, forcing me to focus on avoiding her seemingly errant slashes. Fortunately for me, adrenaline and cowardice really amp up the ol' reflexes.

Falling over myself to avoid Shizuku's stupid chain-knife thing, I realized two things. She had been pushing me back ever since the "fight" had started. A quick glance over my shoulder (which nearly cost me an ear) revealed that I was going to run out of room to run very soon. And that's assuming I even made it to the end of the hall in the first place. Her near misses were getting a lot nearer.

Ironically enough, the fact that she got me might've actually saved my life. For some reason, I abandoned my debatably effective and irregular flopping pattern of avoidance and tried to pull off a Matrix-style dodge. Quickly bending over backward, the knife caught my right brow, nicking me clear to my hairline. Though shallow, the cut bled profusely. The blood, _my blood_, fresh and wet on her blade stopped Shizuku in her tracks. As some blood reached my eye, I thought, _That tsundere bitch cut me!_ I reached for the e-sword with my left hand, but stopped when the Ultimatrix pinged. It was still green and good to go. Risking a glance at my attacker, I saw that she was busy cleaning the blood off her blade. I activated the Watch and Wildvine popped up first. Turning the dial clockwise, Spidermonkey popped up. A giddy and vaguely disturbed grin on my face, I thought, _Guess I'm about to go ape_ as my hand came down and the transformation started.

Capitalizing on the distraction of the flash, I rushed Shizuku, hoping to overpower her and end the fight quickly. As I reached to restrain her with one set of arms and disarm her with the other, she back flipped, kicking me in my Arachnochimp chin. A bit dazed, I shook my head to clear it as she landed and, fast as a fanboy flame war, threw her chain-knife at me. I dodged it easily thanks to Spidermonkey's agility, and I charged at her again, hooting and howling like an angry Macaque. An alarmed shout accompanied by the thunderous crack of a handgun shook me from my primal revelry.

-0-0-0-

Feeling like the Spidermonkey in the middle, I couldn't help but chuckle as Shizuku and Akane probably discussed the finer points of friendly fire. Quickly growing bored with a conversation I couldn't understand, I somehow ended up making a cat's cradle with my webbing and four hands. There was a certain id-fueled simplicity driving me as Spidermonkey, and it was pretty damn awesome.

I was about tot start the first act of my play, using some sock puppets I wove from my webbing, when someone cleared her throat. Looking to my left, I saw Shizuku: poised, calculating, and deadly as lethal toxin. To my right, Akane: violent, redheaded, and disturbingly attractive at the moment. Mikoto and Natsuru cowered behind Akane for some reason. Putting down my puppets (Punch, Judy, Joaquin, and Lower Left), I cracked two sets of knuckles; guess it was time to get down to monkey business.

-0-0-0-

I assumed a gunfighter's stance, keeping a pair of finger guns trained on both murderous schoolgirls to either side of me. I turned the full power of my Clint squint on Shizuku and used my tail to web up Akane's hand cannon.

I laid down some suppressive fire, hoping to keep Shizuku occupied long enough for me to subdue Akane, Mikoto, and Natsuru. A swift quadruple punch felled Akane and I webbed her to the floor afterwards for good measure. As I admired my handiwork, I heard the faint singing of steel cleaving through open air. Feeling like a cross eyed pretzel, I twisted my body to dodge Mikoto's katana.

Mikoto's wild swing resulted in her katana biting into the wall with the ferocity of a German shepherd at a synagogue. As Mikoto struggled to free her sword, I noticed Natsuru attempting to build up an energy ball. "Hey dude," I smirked. "Having problems getting it up? Eh, I hear it happens to some guys." Thinking on it for a bit, I added, "The fact that you're a girl now probably doesn't help." I probably would've gone on, but for some particular reason, I crumpled to the ground.

-0-0-0-

When I came to, I felt like something the cat had dragged in, tortured, beaten, shat out, given a stern talking to, and finally, incinerated. Seeing as my head once again felt like a citrus fruit that was fundamentally fed up with where it was, I knew I had been unconscious for hours.

For some reason, Mikoto and Akane were now both tied up in my webbing and Shizuku was cradling an unconscious _male_ Natsuru. I walked over and sat across from Shizuku, head pounding like a hailstorm. She launched into another stream of Japanese, but I held up my hand in the international gesture of "Shut the hell up, please". Finding the nothingness quickly, I pointed to myself and said, "Otaku". I vanished.

After my eyes adjusted to the bright lights of my new surroundings, I noticed I was in a vault of some kind. Taking a step back, I bumped into a pedestal in the middle of the vault. Circling it, I could see twelve stone octagons of uniform size, each bearing a different animal of the Chinese zodiac. I sighed. _This is going to be a very bad day_, I thought to myself as the Section 13 alarms went off.

**A/N: And thus concludes the third chapter of Ultimate Accident. If you would be so kind as to review my tale, I would very much appreciate it. See you next time kiddies!**


	4. A Bad Day

**Ultimate Accident**

**A/N: Well peoples, here it is. A bit shorter than usual, but I like to think it's still up to par. As usual, I own nothing. All rights go their respective owners. Please enjoy.**

Chapter 4: A Bad Day

Wincing as the alarms aggravated my sudden headache, I mulled over the significance of my current location. _If those are the Talismans, I'm in Section 13. If I'm in Section 13, I am also in Jackie Chan Adventures._ I thought as my stomach chose that moment to remind me it was empty. A brief once-over confirmed my suspicions. _Those are the Talismans. Wait a minute…those are _the_ Talismans!_ I grinned. _I could use some superpowers right about now…_

-0-0-0-

_Ok, what do they all do again?_ I thought as I paced around the pedestal. The Ox: super-strength, the Rabbit: super-speed, the Rooster: levitation & telekinesis, and the Pig: heat vision. _With just those four, I would essentially be Superman._ The Dog: immortality & vitality, the Dragon: fire blasts, the Horse: healing, and the Snake: invisibility. _Add those in, and I'd be one overpowered bastard._ The Monkey: shape-shifting, the Sheep, astral projection, the Tiger, yin-yang division, and the Rat: animation. _Well, with the Ultimatrix, the Monkey's kind of redundant. As for the other three… not really practical abilities. _

As all this went through my mind, I collected the Talismans I deemed "useful," leaving the four "impracticals" behind. Placing my chosen ones on the ground, I decided to test each one individually.

I started with the Ox. Expecting super-strength, I karate-chopped a nearby wall, thinking I was going to cut through it like wet tissue paper. I cut through it like it was a wall and I was a stupid kid. Adding my now numb hand to my list of injuries, I returned the Ox to its stand.

Next, I tried the Rabbit. Wary after my first failure, I decided to take a more safe approach. Taking a lap around the vault at a mind-boggling two (!) mph, I tossed the Rabbit at the pedestal.

A little worried now, I picked up the Rooster talisman. I tried using telekinesis to pick up one of the other Talismans: nothing. I hopped in the air and willed myself to float, but still ended up being Sir Isaac Newton's bitch. Sighing, I threw the Rooster in the same general direction as the Rabbit.

Noticing a trend, I started testing Talismans at random, hoping the failures were just a series of unfortunate coincidences. When the Pig failed, I was still optimistic. Then the Snake failed and I became a bit disheartened, but was still hopeful. After the Dragon failed, I was feeling thoroughly depressed.

My head hurt, my stomach was attempting to eat the rest of me, and my hand was now throbbing painfully. On top of that, it seemed like I wasn't getting any magical super powers.

-0-0-0-

Feeling defeated, I figured I might as well clean up before teleporting to the next world. _Hm, I should come up with a name for it, right?_ I thought as I placed the discarded Talismans back into their slots. _It's not leaping, or sliding, for that matter. More like Nightcrawler without the smoke really._ I paused at the thought. _So I'm bamfing? I think I like the sound of that._ I concluded with a grin as I went to pick up the Dog and Horse talismans I left behind. Reaching for the Dog with my right and the Horse with my left, I noticed a peculiar sensation as my fingers wrapped around them. Firstly, I felt good, as if I had just taken a 20 hour nap, but without the hunger pangs or extreme stiffness. Secondly, I felt an odd tingling on my forehead where my cut was. No mirror in sight, I ran my fingers over it. It had closed completely, still tender, but no longer sticky with fresh blood. The pain in my head, hand, and gut had also lessened to a dull ache.

The sound of the vault doors finally creaking open broke my trance and I slipped the two Talismans into my pockets. Belatedly remembering Future Jack's warning about our extreme magical resistance, I nearly facepalmed before realizing that Captain Black and a whole bunch of agents would be there in a few seconds. Activating the Ultimatrix, I cycled over to Big Chill as I wasn't looking for a fight. I slammed the dial down, the light fading just as Black stormed in.

-0-0-0-

Intangible and translucent, I stuck to the shadows as I snuck past the agents milling about the vault entrance. After phasing into a seemingly empty hallway, I let my intangibility go. Confident I'd avoided detection, I nearly leaped through the ceiling when someone asked me what my "deal" was.

Wings unfurled in shock, I straightened up to face my discoverer. Momentarily puzzled, I looked down when she cleared her throat. She was rather short, a bit young (which I supposed explained the light), and decidedly Asian. Lowering her orange hood, Jade Chan repeated her question.

Sighing in relief (coating the floor in a fine layer of frost), I laughed a little. "Oh man, I thought I was actually in trouble there for a sec." I muttered under my breath as I relaxed.

Apparently Jade heard me, as she then asked indignantly, "And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing." I smirked. "Just the ramblings of a weary old nomad from the beyond." Flapping my wings experimentally, I silently thanked the small girl for the gift of flight. Based on her expression, she was still trying to figure out what my "deal" was. Feeling generous, and more than a little mischievous, I told her, "Before I go, I have some wisdom I'd like to impart." Clearing my throat, I continued solemnly, "Be excellent to each other."

"Wait, say what?" she asked confusedly.

I turned away from her, and in my best Uncle impression, said, "One more thing!" A ridiculous grin on my face, I yelled, "Party on dudes!" before phasing through the ceiling. As I flew up through miles of concrete, I couldn't help chuckling at the thought of Jade's predicament. How does one explain that a blue moth-man quoted Bill & Ted before flying into the ceiling without sounding nuts?

-0-0-0-

I finally made it to the surface and I whooped as I soared through the brisk night sky. Then a thought occurred to me and I reluctantly landed on a nearby rooftop. Turning myself human again, I took the Talismans out of my pockets. I needed a better way to carry them.

Pondering, pacing, and philosophizing, I remembered my brother's necklace. A simple chain he used to carry shark teeth, it would be perfect. All I'd need was some metal and a way to shape it…

Placing the two Talismans on the floor (and noting the sudden exhaustion as soon as I let go), I activated the Ultimatrix. Turning the dial until I reached Lodestar's unmistakable silhouette, I slammed the dial down. My first thought as a Biosovortian was, _Dude, no wonder Rayman kills so much crap in his games. Not having a neck is so fucking weird._

Now attuned to Earth's magnetic field, I felt a very large amount of metal beneath me, and it was just begging to be reshaped. Calling various implements to me, I learned I was on the roof of a dental supply warehouse. I borrowed a chain used to secure bibs, and made a fastener from a probe. Thinking for a bit, I went through a few designs before settling on one that would secure the Talismans. Fashioning the two holders, I found that they fit the Talismans perfectly. I threaded the Talismans onto the chain, and as the Watch timed out, I used the leftover scrap to form a "SORRY" to assuage my guilt.

Securing the clasp on my (once again) human neck, I prepared to bamf out. I yelled another apology as I was revitalized by the Talismans and vanished.

I found myself in a bathroom curiously devoid of urinals. As the first woman screamed and threw something at me, I realized why. I was in the women's restroom and just so happened to be a guy at the same time. I was dragged out by a brunette with a very familiar voice I couldn't quite place and bumped into a brick wall. Looking up, I learned it was a man, not a wall. He spoke as he helped me up, but I could say nothing as my eyes widened in recognition. I remained speechless as Clark Kent asked me what I thought I was doing in there.

**A/N: And we've reached the end of yet another chapter. So, what's in store next time? Well, it just might be time to see who would win in a fight, a Kryptonian or a Celestialsapien?**


	5. Virtues & Failings

**Ultimate Accident**

**A/N: Buenos nachos hermanos y damas! Here it is, the fifth chapter of Ult Acc. Not particularly actiony, but there are other ways to move the plot along... And again, I own nothing! If I did...well, I'd probably have a lot more money for comic books and citrus fruit. All rights go to their respective owners. Enjoy!**

Chapter 5: Virtues & Failings

As any self-respecting comic book fan should, I had a list of things I would say to Superman should we ever meet. As I grew and my tastes changed, that list changed as well. From the pure awesome sauce I thought he was during my childhood, to the misguided loathing of my preteen years, to the grudging respect and earned awesome sauceness of my current mindset. None of that mattered as I stood there before the, the myth, the legend himself: Kal-El of Krypton.

-0-0-0-

I must've looked as bad as I felt since my interrogation quickly turned into a social worker visit. Even Lois, steamed as she was, had an undeniable look of concern etched on her face.

"Are you ok son? You don't look so good." Mr. Kent asked since I didn't answer his first question. I smiled grimly as I thought, _Dude, I am so far from ok, you can measure it in light-years._

"That doesn't exactly answer my question." Mr. Kent stated, his concern tinged with mild irritation.

"Oh, I'm fine." I lied. "Healthy as…a…horse." I giggled a little at the unintended joke. My seemingly maniacal chortling did little to assuage their concerns. Seeing fear creeping in, I assured them, "No seriously, I'm fine. I just remembered a joke about a horse and an omelet. I'm not crazy or anything. Ok Superm…" I caught myself mid-babble and I saw that Mr. Kent had as well. "…job. Super job you have here, eh, Uncle Clark?" I finished weakly with a counterfeit smile.

The tension was not only palpable; it was unnecessarily obnoxious as they processed what I had just said. Lois broke the silence with an incredulous, "_Uncle_ Clark?"

Mr. Kent and I looked at each other briefly and he let me take the lead. And so began FUBAR III.

"Y-yes, Uncle Clark." I ventured tentatively. A barely perceptible nod from Mr. Kent kept me going. I continued, "And I'm Jack, Jack Kent." I stuck my hand out and plastered a hopefully genuine-looking smile on my face. "Pleased to meet you, sorry it was under such odd circumstances." As Lois shook my hand, I noticed her nostrils flare slightly. Grinning sheepishly, I apologized, "Sorry for the smell. I've been hitchhiking from Keystone and these are my only clothes at the moment."

Lois swatted Mr. Kent's arm and said, "What gives Smallville? You let your teenaged nephew hitchhike across the country to come and visit you?"

Mr. Kent glared at me briefly (I found myself suddenly filled with an extreme interest in the ceiling), and explained, "Well, his parents said he had run off again and that he was headed here." I returned the glare as Lois turned the full power of her nagging on me, saying how lucky I was to have such an understanding uncle.

After a few minutes, and after Mr. Kent and I agreed to work on our relationship, Lois stepped off her soapbox and dismissed us.

"B-but Lois, I can't just leave the office in the middle of the day!" Mr. Kent protested after she insisted that we spend the day together.

"Listen up Clark, _you_" Lois said, jabbing her finger in his chest for emphasis, "_You_ will ensure that _he_ gets a shower, something to eat, and a change of clothes." She huffed. "I'll deal with Perry. You two, get going." With that, she walked off, silencing any and all future protests.

I chuckled at the sight of Superman getting shut down by a petite brunette, but the laughter died in my throat when he turned to me and said. "You heard the lady."

"What do you mean?" I asked nervously.

"Let's go for a walk." He said. His tone of voice made it clear; it wasn't up for debate.

"Do we have to?" I practically whined.

"Yes." He said, as surely as if the question was, "Does 1+1=2?"

_Crap._ I thought as Mr. Kent led the way to the elevators.

-0-0-0-

I fell in line behind Mr. Kent, feeling every bit like a Deadman walking. He didn't seem to notice as he engaged in banal small talk with his co-workers. We reached the bank of elevators in time to catch an empty one. As we stepped in, a vaguely robotic Yuri Lowenthal chirped.

FOREIGN DNA DETECTED. SCAN?

Mr. Kent looked at me, and I looked at the Ultimatrix, noting that it had a yellow face again. I sighed and glared at it. _You know, for a watch, you have a lousy sense of timing._ I thought contemptuously.

Cocking an eyebrow, Mr. Kent asked, "Care to explain?"

"Not particularly." I answered truthfully.

FOREIGN DNA DETECTED. SCAN?

"Oh you shut up. Abort scan." I commanded.

COMMAND CONFIRMED. SCAN ABORTED.

Taking a deep breath, I decided to explain. "This is the Ultimatrix." I said, indicating the Watch. "It allegedly contains a register of over a million sapient species from all over the universe, and presumably, a countless number of merely sentient ones. When it detects an uncatalogued species, a Kryptonian in this case, it prompts the wielder to manually scan and add the species."

Coughing slightly, Mr. Kent said, "I only have one question."

_Just one?_ I thought incredulously. "And that is?" I asked.

"Why?" he asked flatly.

"Why…what?"

"Why does it have a register of alien life? Why do you have it?" he asked. "Why are you _here_?" he added.

_That's a bit more than one question Kal._ I thought. "Ok, the first question is simple enough. It was meant to be both an interstellar ark and a diplomatic tool. By transforming into each other's species, both sides of a conflict could gain insight and hopefully resolve their issues peacefully." I said. "Well, that was what the Omnitrix was designed to do at least." I clarified.

After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, Mr. Kent asked quietly, "And the other two questions, what about them?"

I drew a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "That, my friend, is kind of a long story."

We got off the elevator and Mr. Kent smiled. "It's fine; we have a long walk ahead of us anyway."

_Damn._ I thought. _I wonder if I should leave out the part about the azaleas…_

-0-0-0-

I recapped the events of my bogus journey, from my rude awakening in Middleton to my Section 13 heist, and convinced him I was an extradimensional wanderer. I think he knew I was lying, but he didn't press me too hard on the subject. We followed Lois' orders, and Mr. Kent actually bought me supplies for my trip.

Our shopping spree done, we headed to Mr. Kent's apartment. We decided that I should shower while he prepped lunch.

-0-0-0-

I used the bathroom before I showered, as I hadn't gone since I left Middleton. Feeling loads better with an empty bladder, I flushed and moved over to the sink to wash my hands. As I scrubbed, I decided to check my reflection.

The first thing I checked was my hair. After all the bull I had been through, I figured it would be messed up. Instead, it was still perfectly slicked back as if I had just fixed it. It was still the same color, black as pitch. I say that, because even though my face could still be described as remarkably average, two things were different. My irises had changed color somehow; they had been generic brown my entire life, but now? They were green, bright _green_. The other change was my scar. Thanks to the Horse talisman, my gift from Shizuku had faded almost entirely. It was still glaringly obvious on my right eyebrow, where it formed a distinct line bisecting the brow. Drying my hands, I stripped and examined the rest of myself. Still a bit pale, still six feet tall, still had an average build.

As I turned on the shower, I briefly wondered how I was going to clean my arm with the Ultimatrix in the way. _Maybe that's why kid Ben never bathed?_ I mused. Dismissing the thought, I stepped into the shower and quickly fell into my usual routine.

I had just rinsed off all the soap and shampoo when the sheer normalcy of it all hit me. Here I was, taking a fucking shower in Superman's fucking apartment like it was nothing. I fought anime bitches, the Covenant, and the fucking Flood without batting an eye! What kind of psychopath just adapts to that shit?

I laid on the shower floor, stewing in despair and self-loathing until someone knocked on the door. Pulling myself together, I shut off the water and reached for my towel. "Sorry!" I yelled. "Out in a sec!"

I dried myself off, quick as I could, and got dressed. I put on fresh underwear and socks, belatedly realizing that I had forgotten to grab a shirt or pants. Facepalming, I put my Talismans back on, thankful for the magical energy boost.

Wrapping the semi-wet towel around my waist, I balled up my dirty clothes and left the bathroom. In the hallway, I bumped into a cute blonde chick and fell flat on my ass. Recognizing Kara/Supergirl, I waved stupidly. Surprisingly, she smiled and waved back. She then yanked the dirty laundry out of my hands and the towel off my waist, saying something about putting them to wash. She left, and I sat on the floor, stunned and in my underwear, until Mr. Kent cleared his throat. "Food's ready when you're finished getting dressed."

Stammering, I somehow managed to utter a reply before standing up and practically sprinting to my new backpack. I applied some deodorant before putting on a white t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

-0-0-0-

The meal was simple: burgers, salad, and iced tea. In other words, perfect. I didn't realize how hungry I was until after I had inhaled my second burger. Taking a few moments to breathe (and pile salad onto my plate), I noticed Mr. Kent stifling a laugh. I smiled, embarrassed, and resolved to slow down a bit. Kara on the other hand, was tearing through her food even faster than I had. I ate in silence, leaving Mr. Kent to answer Kara's questions whenever she stopped to grab sevenths, or more rarely, to breathe.

After eating my fill, I threw away the disposable plate, cup, and cutlery. "Thanks Mr. Kent." I said before excusing myself to the bathroom. I made a quick detour to grab my new toothbrush and then used the bathroom as planned.

I was walking back to the table when I yawned ridiculously. I plopped onto the couch, hoping to just rest my eyes for a few minutes. I fell asleep.

-0-0-0-

It wasn't the sleep of the just; it was the sleep of one who just needed rest. When I woke some hours later, I felt phenomenal. I was also alone. I looked for the Kents for a bit, and found a refillable bottle of water with my name written on it. Smiling, I placed the bottle in my backpack, which was also fully packed for me. I did inventory then: (Including what I was wearing) six shirts, six pairs of underwear and socks, two pairs of jeans, a towel, two bars of soap, two bottles of shampoo, two sticks of deodorant, a toothbrush, two tubes of toothpaste, three packs of gum, and my jumpsuit.

Seizing the opportunity, I decided it was time to leave. I took off the jeans and put my freshly laundered jumpsuit on. I double-checked my gear and got a welcome surprise. I now had a Kryptonian form. Puzzled, I asked the Ultimatrix what had happened.

SAMPLE # 1000007 ACQUIRED VIA TACTILE OSMOSIS.

_Oh. I guess one of them must've touched the Watch face._ I thought with a grin. _It was probably Kara._

I silently thanked the Kents and Primus for the break before bamfing out.

Wherever I was, I was standing on a porch in a cave. I was also missing my nose for some reason. When I heard the Vampire Queen, I knew exactly where I was.

**A/N: And there it is! Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I promise things will heat up next time. As usual, bonus points (or cookies) to those clever readers who figure out the next locale. Until next time, review and prosper!**


	6. Revenge of the King

**Ultimate Accident**

**A/N: Well, here it is. The sixth chapter and the largest so far. As per usual, I own nothing, all rights go to their respective owners. Enjoy! **

Chapter 6: Revenge of the King

Once upon a time, in the days of yore, vampires were considered monstrous. They were grotesque beasts like Orlok, conniving predators like Dracula, or even jive motherfuckers like Blacula. Nowadays, the batty bastards are sparkly primadonnas. Marceline Abadeer was an interesting case. She was a sexy awesome semi-monstrous half-demon with a penchant for red shoes. She looked pissed.

-0-0-0-

We stared at each other for a few seconds, saying nothing. A look of recognition flickered across Marceline's face, and it only made me more nervous. _Maybe she's met Future Jack?_ I thought as I gulped audibly. Steeling my nerves, I hoped my silver tongue would cover for me. It wasn't exactly like I had a heart of gold after all. I took a deep breath.

"Hi." I said, waving at the same time. Her eyes widened, her mouth opened, and she screamed…in delight? Marceline swept me up in a crushing bear hug and we hovered a few feet off the ground.

"No air…can't breathe…" I choked out as we made a few lazy turns in the air. Thankfully, my impending doom brought her back to her senses and she dropped me. I hit the floor with a dignified thud and Marceline floated back down, a slight blush on her face. She walked towards me and I extended a hand, thinking she was coming to help me up. I was wrong.

She slapped me hard enough to send me sprawling and the sound echoed throughout the cave. After making sure my jaw was still attached, I met her gaze. Marceline looked furious again. Oddly enough, it dissipated just as quickly as it came, and she mellowed out. She fell to her knees, and her hair fell forward, completely covering her face.

"Why are you here?" Marceline asked quietly.

"Sorry?" I answered, unsure of what to say. _Shit, Marceline wasn't this..._emotional_ on the show. What the hell did Future Jack do?_ I thought as I picked myself up off the ground.

"You're here because you're sorry?" she asked disbelievingly. "That's really what you're going with?"

Sensing an opportunity, I continued. "Well yeah." I admitted. "I _am_ sorry for bugging you, and I _am_ a sorry excuse for a wannabe hero." I sighed and sat next to her. "So that's what I'm going with." I concluded.

Marceline laughed a little and punched my left arm. "S'ok." She said. "Just got a little overemotional. An old friend of mine just left."

_Owww…_I thought as I absently rubbed my arm. "So we're cool?" I asked hopefully.

"Yep." Marceline answered.

_Well here goes nothing_. I thought before asking, "Can I ask what that was about? Most people introduce themselves to strangers, not attempt to choke them out. I doubt you'd make a lot of good first impressions that way."

Now Marceline was confused, "What do you mean by _first_ impression? We've met bef…" We were interrupted then, by…a bunch of gnomes!?

-0-0-0-

Speechless, I looked to Marceline and raised an eyebrow. She shrugged indifferently and floated inside her house, maybe to get something. _Great._ I thought as I took off my backpack and placed it out of the way. _She doesn't know what's going on either._ When she came back holding her axe-bass, I sighed. _I guess this is the end of the peaceful world run._

The gnomes watched us curiously, almost…hungrily, but they didn't attack. They didn't speak either, only chattering amongst themselves with a series of growls and snorts. The gnomes looked to be in bad shape too, as they were a lot paler than normal, their clothing was torn and frayed, and they seemed, well, withered to be honest.

The gnomes continued doing nothing, and Marceline got bored, so she played a few chords to pass the time. I activated the Ultimatrix and Superboy popped up. _Hm. Tempting, but I really don't feel like busting out a Kryptonian to fight a bunch of living lawn ornaments._ I thought as I cycled through the roster. I settled on Chromastone.

I was about to slam the dial down when a new voice emerged, stirring the gnomes into a frenzy.

"Hey Marcie, what gives? You're hanging out with _another_ stupid human?" the despicably smarmy voice asked.

"You." Marceline uttered icily. "What the hell you psycho!?" she screamed. "Take your stupid friends and get out of here, or I swear to Glob, I'll eat your soul!"

I was about to cut in when a chilling new voice said, "Now, now my dear Marceline, must you speak in such an uncouth fashion?"

_Whoa…that sounds like Megatron._ I thought as I struggled to place the voice. _Since when has…Corey Burton (I think) voiced an Adventure Time character?_ "Hey Marceline, who is…" I tried to ask, but the expression on her face stopped me cold. Surprise and rage were obvious, but there was something else. Fear?

Smarmy giggled to himself and was scolded by Not-Megatron. "As for you," Smarmy stopped instantly. "You would take care to show my wife some respect in the future."

"Y-yes of course! Sorry sir." Smarmy groveled.

"Indeed." Not-Megatron affirmed as he floated into view, taking his rightful place at the head of the gnome army. Smarmy (who I now recognized as Ash) joined him, bumping into a gnome's hat and falling to the ground. Not-Megatron smiled, his rows of shark teeth robbing the gesture of any and all warmth it might have conveyed. The way he carried himself, from the immaculately trimmed hair and beard, to his well-worn suit, just oozed 'evil businessman'. Coupled with his deathly pale skin, ragged throat scar, and scythe-guitar, well….probably meant the next fifteen minutes of my life were gonna suck.

-0-0-0-

As we stood there, I had to resist the urge to whistle the "The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly" theme. The Ultimatrix deactivated due to inactivity, but still we stood there. Marceline and Not-Megatron were staring each other down, Ash was busying himself summoning incendiary butterflies, and the gnomes had started a fight club. Since they all seemed ok with doing nothing, I decided to break the silence. "So, who the hell are you?" I asked loudly, hoping to conceal my unease.

Not-Megatron laughed before answering, "Fascinating. You bear the same symbol as the beast that stole my voice and my bride, and yet, claim to not know me?"

_Dammit Future Jack!_ I mentally chided myself. _Why'd you have to go dicking around in this dude's past?_ "That is what I just asked, no?" I answered, both tired of not knowing what the hell was going on and suspecting it was all Future Jack's fault. That guy is such a dick sometimes.

"Very well." Not-Megatron sighed. "I am Lord Kevin Alexander Sable, his Lowness, Dark Majesty of the Underworld, the Marquis of Shadows, Devourer of Blood." He finished with a bow.

Marceline explained quietly, "In other words, he's the vampire king. He's my husband."

-0-0-0-

The next few moments were a blur. _Kevin_, the almighty king vampire, finally ordered the gnomes to attack. He and Ash joined the assault, going after Marceline and myself respectively. Marceline's axe-bass and Kevin's scythe-guitar clashed, with the magical shockwave incinerating the few gnomes dumb enough to interrupt a royal vampire duel.

While that went on, I transformed into Chromastone and leaped into the fray. As it turned out, they were vampire gnomes, and the little fanged freaks kept trying to eat me. Not worrying since I was made of rock, and not really knowing how to fight, I waded into the middle of the horde and used the tried and true method of brute force. I would lash out randomly, cracking skulls and punting gnomes left, right, and sideways.

Unfortunately, Ash rallied his troops and they soon overpowered me. In my struggle to free myself, I accidentally triggered Chromastone's energy powers. I blasted the bastards huddled on top of me, then alternated beams and blows until I established a small oasis in the middle of the horde.

I looked around, zapping the occasional gnome brave/stupid enough to try and attack me. I realized something then, _I am going to die. All they have to do is keep me here long enough for the Watch to time out. Shit._

"Hey Pinkie, what's wrong? Run out of rainbows?" Ash asked, his voice dripping with mock concern.

"First off, the name's Chromastone." I answered. "Secondly, no. Let me guess, you burned out your brain cell coming up with that?"

"No! My brain cell is working just fine!" Ash yelled back. "I mean, er…"

I laughed, as did some of the gnomes.

"Oh yeah?" he seethed. "Laugh at this, Chromasome!" He raised his wand and said, "_Deathicus Beamicus!_" The tip of Ash's wand glowed white before firing a bolt of black energy at me.

My eye widened and I dashed into the horde, trampling some of the equally surprised gnomes. After I had put a few yards between myself and the death beam, I risked a glance over my shoulder. Stopping, I turned around to confirm what I had just seen.

The death beam had reached the spot I had been standing on when Ash first cast the spell, and was suspended in mid-air. Exasperated, Ash pointed at me with the wand and repeated the spell, _Deathicus Beamicus Right Nowicus!_

Surprisingly, the death beam turned its "head" towards Ash and whimpered. Facepalming, Ash flew over to me, pointed at me and said, "Him! This guy!"

The death beam, remembering I was its target, launched itself at me, catching me square in the face. It hit hard enough to launch me out of the cave.

-0-0-0-

My first thought, _I'm not dead_, was more fact than question. Other than the dead grass at my feet and the lingering formaldehyde smell, I seemed ok. Better than ok actually, I felt energized, supercharged even!

The gnomes massed at the edge of the cave's shadow, unwilling to brave the sunlight to attack me. On a hunch, I raked the front row with a rainbow beam. _Kinda gay, but definitely effective._ I thought, as I surveyed the carnage. I sauntered back to the cave, tripping over Ash (the wizard) and falling into a pile of ash (formerly an undead gnome). I stood up, dusted myself off, and examined Ash. He was curled into a ball, most of his hair and clothing burned off.

"My wand….my wand…" I heard him mutter as he cradled a burnt twig in his hands.

He seemed traumatized enough, so I shrugged and left him alone. Out of nowhere, I was nailed by Kevin's battered body. The vampire king did not look good; he was covered in cuts and some brown crud was oozing from his fresher wounds; his suit was in tatters, splotchy and stained because of the aforementioned ooze.

Marcie didn't look much better. I mean, she still looked pretty good, with the clothing damage and injuries giving her this whole 'warrior queen' vibe…and I've gone off-topic. My apologies.

"Well, that was exhausting." Marcie said, taking a seat on the ground and letting her axe-bass clatter to the floor.

"Not really." I replied perkily. I still had a decent buzz going courtesy of Ash's death beam.

"Ok, whatever weirdo." She answered. Sniffing herself, she groaned in disgust. "Aw gross, I smell like gnome and dried blood."

"Gross." I parroted, taking an exaggerated step away from the Vampire Queen.

Marcie rolled her eyes and said, "Says the guy with no nose."

A pained chuckle interrupted our pointless bantering. "W-wow. That's just disgusting." Kevin spat, a broken tooth swimming in the bile.

I whistled, feeling a bit impressed. "Damn dude, you are just a _glutton_ for punishment, aint'cha?"

Kevin mumbled something under his breath and began to glow. Random runes winked into existence around him and Ash. The runes flared brightly, encasing the duo in a pillar of arcane magic. The dust piles (formerly gnomes) were sucked into the pillar, healing Kevin and Ash in seconds.

I fired two beams at them, accomplishing nothing as the runes absorbed the blasts. "Hey Marcie, what the hell do we do now?" I shouted as a disembodied chorus began chanting ominously.

"Nothing!" Kevin interrupted. "Thanks to _Call of the Haunted,_ we are invincible!"

…

As Marcie and I were buffeted by a stream of gnome dust, one thought kept running through my head, _Did that fucker just make a Yu-gi-oh reference!?_

-0-0-0-

Marcie and I took cover behind some nearby stalagmites and Kevin kept firing out streams of gnome dust. Thankfully, the dumkopf hadn't figured out how to curve the streams...yet. After about thirty seconds, both the attack and the chorus stopped abruptly. The next thing I heard was Kevin and Ash shouting "_Polymerization!_" My eye widened as I realized what was about to go down.

I kept thinking, _please be wrong, please be wrong_, as I peeked around my stalagmite. I swore mentally and audibly when I saw the abomination. "Well fuck."

It was a bat, sculpted by a reality warping (and highly creative) sociopathic fan of HP Lovecraft, as interpreted by Pendleton Ward. Its mottled black fur was patchy, its bald spots were occupied by either anguished gnome faces or random vestigial limbs. Its mismatched eyes shone with malice and magic: one was a scaled up version of Kevin's, and the other a conglomerate of eyes, giving it a vague insect feel. The wings were normal, save for the giant bone spike 'thumbs' on the tips.

"I Am Kash!" the beast roared in a blend of Kevin and Ash's voices, with just a hint of gnome reverb. "I Am The Ultimate Vampire Wizard, Bane Of Benevolence, Master Of Malevolence, The Tyrant Of Eternal Night Himself!"

Kash bowed and launched into another tirade, describing the myriad ways he had planned to kill us. I didn't pay much attention, but I think I heard something along the lines of "Disemboweling The Rock Beast With A Spork." Kash then went into loving detail about all the ways he could torture Marcie, ignoring us as he argued with himself over the proper use of my corpse.

Shivering involuntarily, but grateful for the distraction, I walked over to Marcie. "What now?" I asked her.

"Hang on, I think…" she frowned, struggling to remember. "Got it! I know exactly what to do." She said, pounding her fist into her palm. Marcie gripped her stalagmite and pulled, breaking it off from its base. She set it down and explained, "You said you'd forget the plan, so I was supposed to tell you…'Use a unibeam to get the Earth King's lunch', whatever that means."

She watched me expectantly as I tried to piece together Future Jack's clues. _Ok the unibeam, bit is simple enough, just gotta hit Kash with a supercharged energy beam._ I thought. _But what the hell does Avatar have to do with that? Wait, if the unibeam replaces the air blast…Oh Jackie boy, you clever fuck._ I smiled evilly as the pieces fell into place. _I love it when a plan comes together!_

-0-0-0-

The plan went off without a hitch. Surprisingly, Kash was _still_ monologuing, so the unibeam caught him (it? them?) unaware. I put everything I had into that shot, burning off the last of the excess energy from my death beam ubercharge. The beam sent Kash flying towards the mouth of the cave, which is when Marcie threw the broken stalagmite.

The impact carried Kash the rest of the way out of the cave and into the sunshine. The 'Ultimate Vampire Wizard' was staked to the ground, burning in the daylight.

The Watch finally timed out, and as the light faded, I moved to high-five Marcie. She wasn't there. She had recovered her axe-bass and rocketed after Kash, decapitating the beast. Kash's remains sublimated into thick black smoke which quickly dissipated. Hissing in pain, Marcie retreated back to the cave. She collapsed at my feet.

Picking up Marcie and her axe-bass, I carried them both into her house. She mumbled that she was fine, that she just needed help up the ladder. After I did so, she slammed the trapdoor in my face.

Shrugging, I took a seat on her couch. After three incredibly uncomfortable seconds, I moved to the floor. _Damn, that thing _is_ uncomfortable_. I thought before nodding off.

-0-0-0-

I woke with a yawn, figuring I'd been out for 30 minutes or so. I opened my eyes and found Marcie floating about a foot above me. I sat up with a start, accidentally headbutting her in the process.

I think I broke her concentration, seeing as she fell on me immediately afterward. We griped about our injuries for a few seconds before realizing the position we were in. Luminescent blushes on both our faces, we separated, her flying off and me scrabbling backwards.

Marcie landed and I stood up, both of us laughing awkwardly. When we stopped, an uncomfortable silence rushed in to fill the void.

"So that happened." Marcie deadpanned.

"Bit of an understatement, eh?" I replied. We laughed again, genuinely this time. When we finished, Marcie floated over to the front door and cleared her throat.

"You should go." She said, holding the door open.

"Seriously?" I asked incredulously.

"Seriously." She answered.

"Just like that?" I asked, feeling a bit crushed.

Marceline sighed. "Just like that."

"Um…ok." I said as I walked out. "Later I guess." I was adjusting the straps on my pack, getting ready to bamf out when Marceline called me.

"Hey Jack, wait!" she yelled, walking towards me for a change. When she was about five feet away, she flew to me and we kissed briefly. Marcie then flipped me over her shoulder, laughed, and said, "You better remember me next time or _else_!"

Dumbstruck, on my back, and possibly in love, I bamfed out.

I found myself in a dim hallway, some red emergency lights providing the only light. Confused, I looked around, trying to figure out where I was. When I saw the Unitology script on the wall, I cursed Primus, Unicron, and the Allspark itself.

**A/N: And that's all I wrote. Hope you liked it dear reader. If you can review, I (your humble author) can attempt to overcome my shortcomings and produce a better chapter next time around. **


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